April 08

Ever wonder how you win a golf tournament as an amateur playing in a pro-am? Read on...

At this year's AT&T Pebble Beach National Pro-Am, Bill Walters, a Las Vegas business man, along with his pro partner, Fredrik Jacobson, won the event at 38-under-par. That's some fancy golf. What made this curious, was Jacobson's so-so play and Walter's background as a golfer. In 2002, Gold Digest wrote a story about Walters, saying he was a gambler and golf hustler. He once lost 2 million on a game of golf. He's described as a 3 handicapper carrying a 16 handicap. The tournament president, Ollie Nutt, said they didn't find anything unusual, "...we didn't see a pattern that says something is screwy."

Anyway, that's how you win those pro-ams - you cheat.

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One young woman working behind the counter at my 24-Hour Fitness Center - her name was Mercedes - said to her co-worker - her name was Tiarra - that it looked like Tiarra's Bluetooth was about to fall out of her head. For the record, if you wear a Bluetooth in public, you look like an idiot. What kind of name is Tiarra? I thought a tiarra was something a young Spanish girl wears at her quinceanera as she swings a stolen piece of plywood at the pinata. Come to think of it, what kind of name is Mercedes? She looked like a Buick. She was conceived in the back of a Buick, and it was on blocks. They're still asking me for my photo ID every time I go in there, and I go every day! Today I told Mercedes, "...but I look the same today as I did yesterday!"

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Speaking of all things ghetto, the Urban Dictionary released a new list of funky, fresh words and phrases. Some of them are quite good:

Air Bags - fake breasts
Have a Cheney - a heart attack
Kentucky Doorbell - honking your horn at someone's house
Sandbox - the middle east
Tramp Stamp - a tattoo on a woman's lower back
Zamboni - random piece of cloth to wipe up spills

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Last weekend we went to see gymnastics. Have you seen what gymnastics is looking like in the past 5 years or so? If not, you're in for a surprise. These people are outright lunatics. The US, Australia, Canada and Romania were scheduled for the evening session, while China, Hong Kong, Singapore and Malaysia were scheduled for the afternoon. I flipped a two-headed coin and called it, and we went to the early show.
All joking aside, this was one of the most amazing things I've seen in a long time. The event was a mix of Senior & Junior women. The Chinese brought their A-list juniors and their B-list seniors. The event center had a capacity of about 2000 and only about 300 people showed up, so we sat wherever we wanted, and we got there early, and just as China was warming up on the uneven bars. Amongst the six girls on the Chinese team was a flea-like, red-panted bug named Jie Cui. I thought, "This can't be for real, that kid has to be the mascot or something..." But no. She wasn't a mascot. She's a gold medal in training. Check out this link to see Jie Cui in action. This is unbelievable. And the funny part is every time she finished a routine she'd be met by a coach who would help her off the 3 foot platform/stage. That's comical. You'll see this in the video link. The kid just spent 2 minutes pulling off tumbling moves with names like a "triple decker back flip alfredo fettuccine" and they help her off the stage like she's a porcelain doll. This is how this kid crosses the street when the walk signal flashes - I don't think she really needs anyone's help jumping off a stage.

After watching this event I came home wondering, "If that was China's B-team, then what does China's A-team look like?" So I googled it and found some samples. Here's a montage of what their A-team looked like a few years ago. At the one minute mark of this video there's a special treat. This is what these girls are going to look like after they win a fistful of medals at the Beijing games, then go out and party at a disco, and then get pulled over by the cops for weaving all over the road. The cop will tell them to get out of the vehicle and he'll proceed to administer a field sobriety test, asking them if they can walk in a straight line. If you make it to the one minute mark of this video you'll see exactly what that scene will look like.

So what will Beijing 2008 look like? Try this: Cheng Fei, China's captain and all-around gymnastic stud. Good luck world.

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You Suck at Photoshop - this is a pretty funny series of tutorials